i keep talking to the one i love but i know she doesn't love me any more she wanted me to be things i knew nothing about she wanted me to white her love songs i don't sing and i don't know who to play any interments, she wanted me to wright her poems hell i can barely wright English home work assignments when given to me daring the tax tests in school -_- also she wanted me to go to a youth group with her dint care for the people there or the music honestly the only thing good there was the food after the service and boy it was annoying and loud. But sill suffering i hung in there with her and for her just pushing the stuff i wanted off to the side for her i never had money to do what i wanted she took it all then she wondered y i would start bitching because of the money and she allwes sat there and asked me y i gotta bring the bad things up about me and her because honestly her and i never had any good times and i blame the high price in gas and food and the fact she said she would pay me back so now i sit in a hole thats about $130 big and wide and it sucks and then i don't think that ill be seeing the money for that. so any how i saw her to night and one other i really didn't wanna see she asked y i was so none talkitive and there were several reasons one was the fact she insulted me when i opened the she sat there and made fun of my hair lol and yet from her it felt like she was just rubbing salt in the wound then yeah she told me to move also and that well it hurt knowing she made a promise to me saying that she would never date my best friend and i made the same promise to her because i loved her and with her running away from me on my birthday that hurt me so yeah i blame my 21st birthday being ruined on her my dad and her new bf i know im going all random here but honestly i don't think to many people are gonna read this other then dreaming dreams and koko.. so yeah back to me lol so i have been feeling hurt so bad sence my 21st its not funny i been so far down in the dumps it feels like some thing is burning and i think its my ass on a hot plate and so well right now i need to vent and this is how im doing it i don't care if it hurts her or him but o well i feel like im lower then shit its like theirs a rock then dirt then shit then me -_- honestly im thinking about going to a-kon and avoiding every one i know because i dont know who i can trust any more 3 years of putting off what i want for the girl i love the pain the suffering the debt and all i got left is nothing i was hopping some thing would pay off in the end but it didn't it just bit me in the ass like a dog chasing and catching the mail man and its like razor sharp teeth too and i wana love again and have some 1 to see in the morning and have fun with and play around and joke with cuddle with some who wants me in the middle of a thunder storm some 1 who knows when to talk with me and help me out some one who will let me vent even if it makes her cry once in a blue moon (both good and bad) some one who is there for me in return of all the things i willing do for her. i wana find a cosplayer i can love feel loved by i wana be noticed i feel like a cheep tv show script where the main character is some one so small and then one day bang the lose every thing do to one thing and they cant rebuild and i guess well its a good thing im not in to cutting other wise who knows where i would b also good thing i don't drink too lol because if i did i think i wouldn't have a liver atm lol now here is one thing i pulling out that did happen koko and i where pulling each other in 2 different ways she wanted to go out to a friends house i wanted to stay home and spend time with her -_- didn't work out for both of us my house was a mess due to her not helping with the cleaning and wut not and as she put it she was "rebelling" lol and in the end i was the one who was getting yelled at by every one i got shit from my dad about her and i got shit from her about my dad and then i was told by her i had no reason to bitch because she would take the blame for every thing and yet where it was time for her to talk it she was never around leaving me to tell my dad that but still in the end i was the one who took it any way but then hey its all gotta go some where -_- ... so here is some thing funny when we where dateing she claimed i dedicated the English numa numa to her after she found out it was a love song lol but honestly i would have chosen a song like my will from inuyasha ... yeah im a anime otaku nerd what ever u wana call it lol so yeah im sorry if this hurts the one i hope who reads it but i needed to vent and well i gotta let it all out some how some how so i guess this is it i plan on taking videos and pics deaind the a-kon if i run in to ex friends or not but ill do what i do and what i can to take sum good pics and videos and post them on youtube so yeah i must say after writing this i feel a lot better i feel as if i took a shit load and then sum off but i still feel lower then shit atm but i hope that will change soon so i guess this is it for now